Practical Application for Husbands & Wives March 22, 2010

For the past couple of week’s we’ve learn that women receive love by the acronym COUPLE (Closeness, Openness, Understanding, Peacemaking, Loyalty & Esteem).  At the same time men feel respected by the acronym CHAIRS (Conquest, Hierarchy, Authority, Insight, Relationship, Sexuality).

While it’s nice to have the insight, there was something I appreciated a little more about last week where the Eggerich’s took these acronym and placed some very practical application behind them.  So, what does respecting my husband’s need for Insight really look like?  What does respecting my wife’s need for Esteem look like?  You’re about to find out… I don’t know about you, but sometimes I appreciate someone just telling me straight up what will work and what won’t work.

Guys – Here are some practical ways to show love to your wife.

Ways to show closeness – hold hands, give hugs, give a little lovin’ without expecting sex.  (Hey…I’m just repeating what they said!)

Ways to show openness – share your feelings, speak about your day, avoid the grunting and long sighs when communicating.

Ways to show you understand – Listen and know when to give advice and when to not solve problems, repeat what she says and show her your appreciation.

Ways to encourage that feeling of peace – say “sorry” when you need to, pray with eachother.

Ways to show loyalty – Don’t look at other women, talk about your wife positively in front of family and friends, never bring up the “D” word.

Ways to hold her in high esteem – verbally support her in front of the kids, praise her for the work she does, and value her opinions even if they are different from yours.

Ladies – Here are some practical ways for you to show respect to your husbands.

Ways to appreciate his need for conquest – a simple “thanks” for going to work everyday, be his biggest cheerleader in whatever he does, ask him to talk about his dreams.

Ways to appreciate his position of hierarchy – saying things like “I really do look up to you for feeling responsible for me.”  “I’m deeply touched by the thought you’d die for me.”

Ways to appreciate his authority – show him by praising him for his good decisions…a simple “That was a really good idea you had about…”  Honor his authority in front of the kids.

Ways to appreciate his insight – Thank him for his advice, let him fix things (as men are solution oriented), tell him up front if all you want is someone to listen and not fix.

Ways to value his need for relationship – Tell him you like him, do things with him, encourage alone time.

Ways to value his need for sexuality – initiate, respond more often, and let him know that his need for sexuality is good…in fact…great!

In class we took this list and had a face to face with our spouse and shared the 1 or 2 things that we could work on to either show love or show respect.   Notice I said 1 or 2…not 10 or 12.  Let’s keep it simple to start:)  If you’ve missed last week I encourage you to do the same.  We’ll see you Wednesday where we’ll begin The Reward Cycle.

Use the leave a comment section at the top of this post to share your thoughts.

If you’d like to join this study in real time…Bill (my delightful husband) and I are teaching it at HopePark Wednesday Nights. If you’re a Nashville local, the door is always open. We’re at 8001 Hwy. 70 South, just off I-40. Online at http://hopepark.com and on twitter @hopepark.Me…well you can find me twittering @jodytodd and you can find Bill twittering @bill_todd.

Have a great week and I can’t wait to hear what you’re thinking!

Jody

Questions and assigned quotes from the study by Dr. Emerson Eggerich entitled “Love & Respect Video Conference.”

The Energizing Cycle for Women March 17, 2010

I hope you’re enjoying your Spring Break.  We’ve just finished up week 4 of our Love & Respect study and here’s a quick recap.  Last week we focused on what the men could do differently to begin to understand and love their wives.  This week we learned what the women could do differently to understand and respect their husbands.

Again, The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need.

What spells respect to a husband?

To illustrate this point, Dr. Eggerich used the word “CHAIR” an acronym.

C – Conquest. A husband derives a sense of satisfaction and significance from work and achievement.  Sometimes all a wife has to do to show her husband respect is to simply say “Thank you for providing.”

H – Hierarchy. Men see themselves in terms of ranking.  “Headship” of the household is a responsibility, not a right.  What this point showed me is that husbands take this step very seriously.  It’s not about wielding power…it’s about assuming that role of authority.  A wife can show a lot of respect by appreciating his desire to protect and provide.

A – Authority. Another way a wife can show that she respects her husband is to understand his desire to be strong and to lead.  As a husband has responsibility, he also needs the authority to make decisions.  It’s patently unfair to place on him all the responsibility and not give him the authority to take action.  They key is to find the balance.

I – Insight. Men tend to be solution oriented.  A great way for a wife to show respect is to appreciate his desire to analyze and counsel.  Value his input and what he can bring to the table.

R – Relationship. Appreciate his desire for a shoulder to shoulder friendship.  He wants to be a friend and a lover to his wife.  He wants to have that ultimate companionship…words not necessary…especially in the car.  Just wanting to be near and share life experiences with him is a great showing of respect.

S – Sexuality. Understand and appreciate his desire to sexual intimacy.  Men are visually oriented.  He has a need for sexual release in the same way women need emotional release.

When wives refuse to respect her husband’s desires it looks a little like this:

C:  unsupportive of his endeavors

H:  belittling of his abilities

A:  undermining his decisions

I:  resistant to his counsel

R:  unfriendly

S:  disinterested in physical intimacy

Let’s not let it get to this point before changes are made.

A few final questions for the Husbands:

• Am I willing even more willing to be a good manager of my household?
• When my wife seeks to be next to me without talking, will I tell her I appreciate that?

A few final questions for the Wives:

• Am I willing to go on record with my husband that he has 51% of the authority because he has 51% of the responsibility?
• I will be more responsive to my husband’s male needs related to CHAIRS as I expect him to be responsive to my female needs related to COUPLE?
• I will try to be my husband’s friend this week by just being friendlier toward him in the little things?

Use the leave a comment section at the top of this post to share your thoughts.

We’ll see you again on Wednesday where Emerson is joined by his wife Sarah as they delve into the practical ways to love (C.O.U.P.L.E.) and practical ways to respect (C.H.A.I.R.).

If you’d like to join this study in real time…Bill (my delightful husband) and I are teaching it at HopePark Wednesday Nights. If you’re a Nashville local, the door is always open. We’re at 8001 Hwy. 70 South, just off I-40. Online at http://hopepark.com and on twitter @hopepark.Me…well you can find me twittering @jodytodd and you can find Bill twittering @bill_todd.

Have a great week and I can’t wait to hear what you’re thinking!

Jody

Questions and assigned quotes from the study by Dr. Emerson Eggerich entitled “Love & Respect Video Conference.”

The Energizing Cycle for Men March 8, 2010

Can you believe it.  We’re already in week 3 of our Love & Respect study.  Here again is a quick recap of everything we’ve seen in our video segments as well as include some of the discussion from our small group time.

We are trying to decode the craziness that creeps into our relationships.

This week the Energizing Cycle focused on the men, but next week we’ll focus on the woman’s part.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need.

We looked at how men can begin to see through pink sunglasses and loving the women in their life for who she is in God’s image.  Through our class the phrase that kept repeating in my head was “Not wrong, just different.  Dr. Eggerich used the illustration of making deposits and withdrawals in your relationship.  The good times are the “deposits” and the arguments are the “withdrawals.”  They key is to have a healthy combination of both.  It’s unrealistic to assume you’re only going to have good times, just as it is unrealistic to assume you’re never going to have an argument.  They healthiest of relationships are those that have a good combination of both.

What spells love to a wife?

To illustrate this point, Dr. Eggerich used the word “COUPLE” an acronym.

C – Closeness. A wife feels loved when a husband is close.  She wants to be with her husband face to face.

O – Openness. When a husband isn’t secretly mad at her.  A wife feels very unloved when her husband appears mad at her, closes her out and refuses to open up.  The message that is sent is “I’m angrily stonewalling to teach you to treat me more respectfully,” and that message rarely gets through.  Instead she feels unloved and misses the signal that her husband is trying to send.

U – Understanding. When a husband empathizes with her.  Like a teapot that comes to a boiling point, a wife can experience an emotional overload and need to ventilate to someone who empathizes.  Solutions not required:)

P – Peacemaking. When a husband resolves and reconciles with her.  “Will you forgive me” are powerful words.  Over the course of a marriage after conflict imagine the benefits of each owning up to their guilt by saying “That felt unloving…will you forgive me?”

L – Loyalty. When a husband is completely committed to her.   When a wife asks “Do you love me?” what she is asking for is reassurance, not information.

E – Esteem. When a husband treasures her above all others.  We talked about how women have a different point system than husbands when it comes to this point.  What may seem like an insignificant action could be a very big deal to the wife. 

A few final questions for the Husbands:

• Am I willing to act more loving by being close face to face?
• Will I ask my wife “Do you need a solution or a listening ear?”
• Will I reassure my wife that I am committed to her, and will stop hurtful teasing?

A few final questions for the Wives:

• Am I willing to accept my husband’s actions at face value.  For instance, when my husband acts more loving by being closer, I am not going to say “You are just doing that to look good in front of other people”
• Am I willing to be more forgiving of my husband by realizing that when he wants to “drop it” that this can be an honorable request.
• Am I willing to be more confident in my relationship with my husband.  For instance, I will not say to my husband “I know you want to divorce me” as a way of getting him to reassure me that he loves me.

Use the leave a comment section at the top of this post to share your thoughts.

We’ll see you again on Wednesday to dig into the Energizing Cycle for Women.  Have a great week and I can’t wait to hear what you’re thinking!

If you’d like to join this study in real time…Bill (my delightful husband) and I are teaching it at HopePark Wednesday Nights. If you’re a Nashville local, the door is always open. We’re at 8001 Hwy. 70 South, just off I-40. Online at http://hopepark.com and on twitter @hopepark.Me…well you can find me twittering @jodytodd and you can find Bill twittering @bill_todd.

Have a great week and I can’t wait to hear what you’re thinking!

Jody

Questions and assigned quotes from the study by Dr. Emerson Eggerich entitled “Love & Respect Video Conference.”

Decoding the Crazy Cycle March 2, 2010

Welcome to week two of our Love & Respect study.  Our intent here is to give you a quick recap of everything we’ve seen in our video segments as well as include some of the discussion from our small group time.

We are trying to decode the craziness that creeps into our relationships.

Enjoy a fun look from last week’s video and how Dr. Eggerich desccribes this Crazy cycle at this link: One of the elements that keep the crazy cycle spinning is the messages that we send to each other “in code” (i.e. what they say is not what they really mean.)  Often these coded messages are simply little lies that we tell to cover what we really need.

According to World Net Daily News, surveys show the average person tells four lies a day, or 1,460 a year for a total of 88,000 by the age of 60.

The most common lie is: “I’m fine.”

What are the coded messages that you and your spouse exchange?

What would happen if you told the truth?

We also talked about the importance of giving your spouse the benefit of the doubt.  It seems that whenever we choose to “fill in the blanks” of  a situation, we always do it wrong and poorly.  It’s far too easy to instantly take up offense, or confuse feelings with facts, particularly in the heat of the moment.

We need to ask ourselves a couple of questions:

Am I willing to assume that my spouse is not trying to upset me, but is instead looking at this through different colored (pink or blue) lenses?

Are we willing to search out the facts first, instead of the feelings first?

Will we humbly say “That felt unloving/respectful” so my spouse can know my deepest feelings?

Will we dare to ask, “Will you forgive me?”

The appropriate question that came up a this point was “how can I love or respect something that is wrong, or even flat out sinful?”

Consider this; imagine saying to your spouse “There is nothing you can do to get me to stop loving/respecting the person God sees in you and I see in you. But I love/respect you too much to let you continually give in to this sin.”  What do you think would happen?

So who needs to move first?  Are we right in demanding that the other person change before we budge?

The one who sees himself as the most mature moves first.

A few final questions:

Will you give up your demand that your spouse move first?  Will you instead try to move first, and be positive about it, not a martyr?

Will you try to control your words, and not be so quick to blame, which never works?

Use the leave a comment section at the top of this post to share your thoughts.

Have a great week and I can’t wait to hear what you’re thinking!

If you’d like to join this study in real time…Bill (my delightful husband) and I are teaching it at HopePark Wednesday Nights. If you’re a Nashville local, the door is always open. We’re at 8001 Hwy. 70 South, just off I-40. Online at http://hopepark.com and on twitter @hopepark.Me…well you can find me twittering @jodytodd and you can find Bill twittering @bill_todd.

Have a great week and I can’t wait to hear what you’re thinking!

Jody

Questions and assigned quotes from the study by Dr. Emerson Eggerich entitled “Love & Respect Video Conference.”

The Crazy Cycle Begins February 22, 2010

Welcome to week one of our Love & Respect study.  Our intent here is to give you a quick recap of everything we’ve seen in our video segments as well as include some of the discussion from our small group time.

As we all know as married couples, communication is difficult.  Sure we have those good moments, but just about the time you think you have it made…whap!  Communication breaks down and the walls go up.  I only know because I’m speaking from experience.

We are trying to decode the craziness that creeps into our relationships.

This week in our video Emerson Eggerich led us on a hilarious journey on how women and men just communication differently.  He helped us see that women see through pink glasses, hear with pink hearing aids and speak through a pink megaphone and men see through blue sunglasses, hear with blue hearing aids and speak through a blue megaphone.  While we may be hearing exactly the same words in a sentence…the meaning behind those words is very different.  There were several great discussions that happened in our small groups to point out just how true this is.

A key phrase to incorporate into our discussions is “Not wrong, just different.”

The man blue emotions and a woman’s pink emotions are directly tied to feeling loved and/or respected.  Without the presence of love and respect, both the man and the woman will withdraw.  That’s when the crazy cycle begins…I’m not loved, so I say mean things….Bill doesn’t feel respected….he doesn’t feel like showing me love…I feel unloved…I don’t make things easy for him…Bill feels isolated…he doesn’t say nice things…

See how the crazy cycle gets started and it’s very difficult to get stopped…but not impossible.

Emerson at one point in the video used an airhose analogy to represent this point.  To not give love or respect is to stand on the other person’s airhose, and thereby cutoff the essential thing  that they need to live and embrace each other fully.  When you see the spirit of your spouse deflate, you are probably standing on their airhose.  This is when you may begin to realize that the “issue” on the table isn’t the real issue.

Without love and respect, the crazy cycle begins spinning.

Key verse in our time this week was Ephesians 5:33

However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Here are some additional questions to ponder based on this week’s study.

1. Can we assume that our spouse is not trying to upset us, but is instead looking through different colored (pink or blue) lenses?  Why or why not?
2. What would change is we looked at our spouses negative reaction as  cry for our love or respect?
3. What are some of the things you have done this week to “stay off your spouse’s air hose” by reacting in more loving and respectful ways?

Use the comment section below to share your thoughts.

If you’d like to join this study in real time…Bill (my delightful husband) and I are teaching it at HopePark Wednesday Nights. If you’re a Nashville local, the door is always open. We’re at 8001 Hwy. 70 South, just off I-40. Online at http://hopepark.com and on twitter @hopepark.

Me…well you can find me twittering @jodytodd and you can find Bill twittering @bill_todd.

Have a great week and I can’t wait to hear what you’re thinking!

Jody

Questions and assigned quotes from the study by Dr. Emerson Eggerich entitled “Love & Respect Video Conference.”